Day 1 / Day 57

I’m slipping.

Last night I intentionally looked at porn. I have seen things I consider porn recently and decided not to reset either my pornfree or NoFap badges (badges available on subreddits to help keep track). But last night was different. I actually intentionally sought a particular type of porn and kept clicking around until I found what I was looking for (obviously, that didn’t take long).

So now my progress counters are split: back to day one for my actual porn recovery, and still going strong for not fapping as a result.

Two little images. Such a pathetic payoff for resetting my progress.

Day 56

Well, I made it through my struggles last night and feel better about today so far.

One thing that helped last night was my wife coming home much earlier than I expected. Not long ago, that would have been a reason for extreme panic – there I would be surfing porn, possibly in the middle of something a little unseemly, and I would hear a key in the front door…horror!

Now that I don’t actually do such things, hearing a key in the door is just a pleasant surprise – as it should be when your wife comes home early.

Day 55

Success Fatigue

I’ve been doing very well with my recovery for the past couple of weeks, but I feel like I have reached the peak of success and now maintaining it is becoming dreary and tiresome.

I find myself more and more tempted each day now to just take a peek at some porn. Actually, it’s not even porn I’m interested in. Really, I find myself wanting to sneakily view some Facebook profiles of my students again. I have allowed myself one or two fantasies about a particular student. It doesn’t help.

My brain starts to make funny rationalizations for seeking out porn when I get like this. Firstly, I catch myself thinking things like “Well, if I just take a look at some Facebook profiles, that’s not even real porn so it doesn’t count”. I then admit to myself that viewing Facebook profiles of 17 and 18 year old girls will inevitably lead to masturbating to them. Maybe not right now, but it would happen within a day or two at the most. That’s why I can’t allow myself to look at them at all.

So then I try a different tactic. I start thinking, “well, if I really want to avoid masturbating to pictures of my students, then I should just use some regular soft porn from a consenting model.” Of course, that leads to complete relapses in no time at all. Once I start looking at the equivalent of FHM pictures, I’ll be looking at much harder stuff within the hour. It doesn’t take long before I start looking up all of the stuff that in the cold light of day I am ashamed of.

I think I might write the list of search terms I never want people to know I have used tonight. I think that will be a good deterrent for me. But first I’ll head over to NoFap. If I’m still struggling later tonight, I’ll write more.

Day 45

I’ve been meaning to put this together for about a week now. I’ve been posting fairly frequently on r/NoFap to encourage people to make a list of their triggers and commit to certain actions to replace masturbation as the default response. I thought I should post my full list here as an example of what that might look like. If you struggle getting past the early days of recovery, then you might find this strategy helpful.

The process is simple:
When you are not feeling any urges at all, examine yourself carefully. Think about all of the times you are likely to relapse and what kind of thoughts and feelings usually go along with that. List these. They are your ‘Triggers’.

Once you have a comprehensive list of triggers, think about what an appropriate response to each one might be. For it to be appropriate it needs to be something realistic, a solid distraction, and easy to start immediately. These are your ‘Actions’.

You might find that you don’t come up with every trigger right away. If at a later date you find yourself feeling urges and it was triggered by something you hadn’t thought of, take the opportunity to immediately add it to your list of triggers and add an appropriate action, then do the action instead of relapsing.

So here is mine, I hope it can help some people:

Triggers and actions

See sexy women –

look away immediately. Repeat many times: “we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). Start internal dialogue along the lines of why I don’t want to view women as sex objects. (See below)

Alone with Internet access –

If temptation comes, visit http://reddit.com/r/nofap and look at my badge. Then leave encouraging comments for other nofappers. Listen to a worship CD while doing this. If I’m still struggling, write a post for this blog outlining some aspect of why I do not want to relapse. This might include some semi-shameful anecdote to remind me of some of the pathetic mistakes I have made and do not wish to repeat.

Alone and horny, no net access –

Worship CD. Read my Bible and pray. Do some exercise (push ups, sit ups).

Depressed / upset –

If it’s daytime, go for a run. Worship CD, Bible, prayer. Visit NoFap for encouragement.

Sexually frustrated –

Remind myself that I am not entitled to free orgasms! Remind myself there are Nofappers doing it on ‘hard mode’ (no girlfriend/wife and no sex). Exercise. Think of ways to treat my wife and show her I love her. Recognise my own need to feel loved in non-sexual ways.

Facebook –

Police self very carefully. Whenever I’m tempted to view students’ profiles, I must disconnect immediately and visit NoFap. No excuses. Repeat 2 Cor 10:5 (Take captive every thought…)

Casually dressed students –

Take captive every thought…treat the same way as ‘view sexy women’ above (internal dialogue, etc). Police own behaviour over the following days. The chaser effect after this is always strong…

Semi-up skirt view of students in class –

If I can see up a student’s skirt, treat the same way as ‘view sexy women’, and MOVE so that I can’t keep seeing up skirt.

An example of the internal dialogue – why I don’t want to view women as purely sex objects:

“All women are equal with men and were also created in the image of God. They are my sisters in Christ. The world has constructed a false status for women whereby they are completely subservient to men. This has led to a culture in which the desire for male pleasure has surpassed the desire for female dignity. Men have subjugated women and tricked them into taking part in a porn culture. This thinking has also led to sexual slavery taking place in every country around the world and prostitution has become a common relief for poverty.

One day I may have daughters, and I do not want them to live in a world where this kind of thinking is prevalent. I don’t want her boyfriends and husband to view her in this way. If I have sons, I do not want them to be enslaved themselves in the kind of addiction I have developed.

If I continue to view women only as sex objects, I’m am continuing to feed this aspect in society. Instead of perving on women, I should speak up against the over sexualisation of culture and be an advocate for women’s rights and equality.”

Day 41

I wrote this on r/nofap yesterday, and I wanted to post it here to keep a record of it:

I read in the paper this morning about a subreddit dedicated to creepy candid shots of women.

I checked it out, to see if the paper’s version of creepy was as creepy as I have been in the past. It was. I saw images a lot like the surreptitious ones I used to take with my cell phone camera. I actually developed a couple of pretty slick techniques for capturing these sorts of images…

I shouldn’t have looked, really, given that it so closely aligns with my own triggers, but I clicked on a few images anyway. I’m happy to report though that I did not relapse as a result. No touching, no full on boner, and no sticking around for any significant length of time. I actually just felt a bit sad for the fact that this subreddit exists and that if I had found it 6 months ago I probably would be contributing to it regularly.

Now I just feel a bit disgusted by the whole thing, which is fantastic from my perspective.

————————

Looking back on that from yesterday, I’m really pleased with how things are developing at the moment. Porn really doesn’t have the same pull at the moment that it used to.

I’m sure there will be really tough days ahead, but every day has been feeling easier recently.

Day 33

The last week has been surprisingly easy. I have had a couple of brief urges to look at porn or be the creepy Facebook stalker I can sometimes be, but since I wrote about my worst habits and triggers a while ago I have had a better handle on them.

My urges go away pretty easily.

Actually, having said that, I did go through a phase last weekend of allowing myself long lie ins in which I would fantasize about one of my students. Not the best way to overcome my problem. But to my credit, I didn’t look them up on Facebook like I would have before, or have to fap about it.

Still, it’s a good motivation for me to just get straight out of bed when I wake up so I am not tempted to tease myself in that way again.

Anyway, it’s been a good week, so I won’t get too bogged down in pity or shame. I’m feeling pretty good about my recovery at the moment.

Day 22

Today has been a struggle. The whole weekend has been, actually. I keep waking up in the mornings fantasizing about a particular student. The idea popped into my head a couple of days ago, and now she keeps flashing into my mind. 

The mornings have been the worst though. I let myself indulge in the fantasy even though I know it’s not doing me any favors.

This weekend is also a weekend in which my wife and I haven’t had sex, so all of the built up sexual energy I have from these fantasies are going nowhere. Pretty hard to stay strong, but I’m glad I haven’t succumbed to looking the girl up on Facebook since I’ve started thinking about her. That’s some small relief, I guess.

Just need to get through the night…not relapsing today…not going back to day one…

Day 21

I’ve noticed on reddit.com/r/NoFap today there are a lot of posts relating to Christianity. It’s probably worth mentioning at this juncture that I am a Christian.

I may not seem like one, based on some of the language I use and some of the things I have already admitted to, but I am. I am a baptized, Bible believing, Church attending, Jesus loving Christian.

I am also addicted to pornography, look upon most moderately attractive women with lust in my heart and have wasted hours upon hours of my life pathetically scouring the Internet for nubiles, redheads and lesbians.

So I understand why so many Christians are turning to r/NoFap.

Being a Christian who is addicted to porn is hard. I honestly don’t feel like I could talk to anybody I know about my problems because it’s such a taboo in Christian circles. My friends are all great, but the stigma attached to porn addiction is too great for me to overcome. Christians can be pretty insensitive when it comes to sexual sin, too. It’s like we all admit that none of us are perfect, but our biggest problem is that we gossip or sometimes walk past a homeless person without making eye-contact with them. Very few Christians actually say: “I’m not perfect; I’m a pervert!”

So I understand why so many of us are turning to r/NoFap.

The fapstronaut community is understanding, forgiving and supportive. There happen to be some great Christians on there coming out of the woodwork. There also happen to be some great atheists on there, and for the first time on the internet in my experience, both groups are incredibly respectful towards one another. It’s like the best thing porn has done is given 29,000 people with usually antagonistic views of each other a reason to come together and support one another.

So to all you Christians out there who are struggling, know that you are not alone. Come over to NoFap on Reddit and you will find support, understanding and hope. And to all you atheists who help to make NoFap such a great example of humanity coming together, thank you.

I believe God is at work in a big way on NoFap at the moment, and I’m sure the atheists are thinking “we should all give ourselves some credit for being good people” — I reckon we’ve both got a good point.

Day 18

To help me quit masturbating to porn I wanted to make a list of triggers for the things that are likely to make me relapse. I am hoping that by listing them as accurately as possible, it will help me recognize them for what they are (triggers) and not mistake them for what they aren’t (impossible to disobey commands). As these are my triggers, and I am a self confessed pervert, you may find these weird or disturbing. Just remember, these weren’t always my triggers – porn has done some strange things to my brain over the years, of which I do not approve…

Triggers

Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom
As it happens, I am alone and bored right now. I started this blog so that I would have something else to do whenever I felt the urge. Since I’m writing here now, you can guess that I came pretty close to relapsing. I nearly did relapse tonight, but I think I’m past it now. All the same, these three feelings always seem like the quickest way to ensure I relapse. I have some strategies to deal with this, but I’ll save those for another day.

Surprise Hot Women
I am constantly bombarded by Surprise Hot Women. By this I mean, hot women I didn’t intentionally seek out, but ones that I saw nonetheless. This happens all the time online, on TV (FUCK HBO – great television but way too much porn), even in advertising. I was stuck in traffic behind a bus the other day that had a lingerie model advertising something or other. An eight feet tall semi-nude, perfectly proportioned Surprise Hot Woman. These kinds of thing weaken my resolve daily.

Intentional Hot Women
These are a combination of the two triggers above. Take Dark Knight Rises, for example. I saw that a little while ago and was blown away by Anne Hathaway. An exemplary Surprise Hot Woman. Later that week I was home alone and bored, so I Googled Anne Hathaway. Also an exemplary Intentional Hot Woman. This was actually the reason I relapsed two weeks ago and decided to start this blog. As I explained in the first post, it wasn’t long before I was disabling safe search and then ignoring Anne Hathaway images all together in favor of some actual porn. It’s a slippery slope. I was tempted to do this tonight, as it happens.

Young Women
This is wear I start to get creepy. I am a teacher. I teach in a Co-ed highschool. I have a lot of contact with girls aged 16-18. I am attracted to some of them. I don’t believe anything will ever happen with them (because I would lose my job and I don’t actually want to be THAT guy), but I think about it regularly. This has led to me Googling some pretty dodgy shit for a highschool teacher. I keep telling myself that it’s not that big a deal, since I’m only interested in girls that would be completely legal if only I weren’t their teacher. If I was some average guy, it would be legal to do all sorts of things with these girls. I know, because I have Googled that shit too. The frustration of being in this position though has led me to seek out porn where the women look young. In another blog post, I will actually list all of the keywords I can think of that I’ve searched for – right now, I think I have said enough. So I’m pretty creepy, right?

Students dressed casually
Yes I have sought porn that has young women in school uniform. It’s all very cliched, if you know your uniform porn. Pigtails, tartan skirts, open blouses, ties, and sometimes lollipops. But a real world trigger for me is when my students are not required to wear uniform for the day. They make an effort to be attractive. They are trying to impress the boys in their year level and each other with their fashion sense. They are also inadvertently impressing me, their perverted and broken teacher. There are a few girls I actually look forward to seeing on these days. It’s quite gross really.

Facebook
Now you will hate me, because I’m even creepier than you thought. Some guys masturbate to pictures their friends have posted on Facebook. That hot friend you have…no one will ever know…it’s not harming anyone…I’m that guy too. One day it occurred to me to search for the Facebook accounts of some of my students. Some of them have very lax privacy settings. Some of them post reasonably hot pictures. I actually hate myself and am disgusted by it, but I have masturbated to pictures of my students that I intentionally sought on Facebook.

I wanted to write these because I often feel powerless in the face of these triggers. Like once I’ve seen them or experienced certain feelings, all bets are off and I better just tug one out to get over it. The truth is, these things will keep happening or showing up, so I have to get used to telling my body that I’m not going to do anything about it…

Wish me luck, and pray for me.

Day 11

Today has the potential to be another bad day, accept for the fact that I will not be at home alone tonight. Or for the rest of the week, for that matter. So the odds are that it will all wear off.

Anyway, today I was confronted, for an extended period of time, with one of my strongest triggers. It has driven me nuts. My imagination kicked into sexual fantasy gear for several hours.

I have managed to avoid porn though, which is good. Normally, a day like today would result in me seeking out a particular type of porn – but not today.

This is a small, but significant bit of progress.

However, just like there is a chaser effect for relapses, I also think the is a chaser effect for the stimulation this particular trigger always causes me. I will have to be vigilant over the next few days.

Wish me luck.