Recovering Porn Guy

Month: August, 2012

Day 11

Today has the potential to be another bad day, accept for the fact that I will not be at home alone tonight. Or for the rest of the week, for that matter. So the odds are that it will all wear off.

Anyway, today I was confronted, for an extended period of time, with one of my strongest triggers. It has driven me nuts. My imagination kicked into sexual fantasy gear for several hours.

I have managed to avoid porn though, which is good. Normally, a day like today would result in me seeking out a particular type of porn – but not today.

This is a small, but significant bit of progress.

However, just like there is a chaser effect for relapses, I also think the is a chaser effect for the stimulation this particular trigger always causes me. I will have to be vigilant over the next few days.

Wish me luck.

Day 8

I’m struggling today, too.

I got through yesterday by writing about 1200 words on why my habit why so deeply ingrained. I have to confess though that after mentioning the women I was looking at in FHM etc, I ended up Googling them all to see if the images I used to look at were available online. They are.

That was a huge mistake. Nostalgia and addiction are not a happy partnership. It’s like my brain was saying to me “Remember all those good times? One more for the road won’t hurt…”

Yeah, right.

I think I might need to meet to meet all the women I’ve masturbated to, have them tell me what they think of that and then slap me. I think I might finally overcome it, then. Or just develop a fetish for being told off and slapped.

While I’m confessing, I have let myself Google things I shouldn’t again today. I stopped myself from actually acting on it, but a few of my fetish keywords made there way into the search bar nonetheless. I have pretty terrible will power at the moment. So I did some push ups and put on a worship CD – I’m hoping even I can be trusted alone with broadband internet with Jesus music blasting out. If I manage to make it through tonight without relapsing, maybe I’ll keep that strategy in mind.

Actually, I am pretty sure I will make it through tonight now. This blog was a good idea, I think. Instead of masturbating, I can just keep on making notes about why I don’t want to.

A comment was posted on my first post: “when our internal boundaries fail, it is good to have external boundaries”, and the guy proceeded to suggest I try some net filters. It was good advice – the trouble is, I have tried this before and it hasn’t worked for me. I know why it didn’t work. I’m too cowardly to admit to another person that I need help. Which means I have no accountability partners or sponsors – one of the keys to addiction management. I know I should get a sponsor – but I’m a coward. I’m ashamed and embarrassed. So I set up the filters on my computer: a mix of OpenDNS and locking Google and Bing image safe searches to strict across all the web browsers and devices I have. This was pretty effective, until I decided to unlock them whenever I wanted to look at porn again. It was an inconvenience, but probably still faster that dial-up…

I had to basically accept that porn was always going to be available, and that I should instead try to filter my own thoughts instead. It worked for 70 days – but then I relapsed and now the chaser effect is hounding me whenever I’m alone.

Anyway – I think I’m safe for tonight now. Signing off.

Day 7

Tonight is pretty tough. It’s not that I even really want to masturbate – I’m just used to the habit. It’s a hard habit to break.

I started masturbating when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I think. I was so young that my orgasms didn’t produce cum. I remember that cum was something that started to develop gradually – just a little bit at a time, until I produced adult quantities some time later. So even though I can;t say with certainty how old I was, I was pretty young.

It started with me just playing with myself – like all kids do, I guess. I remember a couple of things that got me gradually into porn, though. Firstly, I found a centerfold pull out of Pamela Anderson nude in the local park one time. I took it home and kept it in a drawer and would masturbate to it pretty frequently. A friend of mine also pointed out to me that the catalogues my mum received had underwear models in them. Nothing overly sexy – but to a little pervert trying to get of before the internet, it was a treasure trove. I can actually still picture two models in particular pretty clearly in my head. I am certain I would recognize them in a line up. For a long time these kinds of images fed into my masturbation fantasies. The other main source was hot women in computer game magazines. I was pretty keen on games consoles and bought all the tips and cheats magazines. It’s disturbing looking back now, because some of the images were clearly sexualised. I can remember one in particular of a woman dressed as a sexy doctor, with her shirt unbuttoned enough that a lot of cleavage was visible. For me at that time, this image was a huge turn on. She had on dark rimmed glasses, had the end of a pencil between her teeth and her hair tied back in a tight bun. What that had to do with computer games, I’ll never know, but it was clearly nurturing my sexuality at a young age.

The next progression came a few years later. I started to notice that a lot of entertainment magazines had sexy images. A key one in my development as a burgeoning pervert was the Sex Issue of Sky Magazine with Alicia Silverstone on the cover. I don’t remember any of the Sex Issue articles – but I remember those Silverstone images. Not long later I discovered Heat magazine, which back then had a more credible entertainment angle to it than its celeb focus it developed years later. In Heat I found all sorts of other images. Two I still remember vividly are Keeley Hawes as Diana Dors and Britney Spears in a childishly girly bedroom in underwear and a cardigan (From Rolling Stone, I think, but reprinted in Heat).

Around this time, I also found a single unlabeled VHS video in my parents’ room. I knew what it was as soon as I saw it. I’m not sure how I knew, but I did. I was alone in the house at the time, so I rushed downstairs to play it.

Grainy, flickering, moving porn.

This particular discovery adjusted my psychology regarding masturbation. Prior to it, I could do it quietly in my room with no one being any the wiser. But from then on I prefered to get the whole house to myself. It was nerve-wracking business. On more than one occasion, I had to quickly eject the video, pull my pants up and hide all masturbation paraphernalia when I heard someone at the door. Even if it was just the postman, I’d have a heart attack! There were plenty of near misses. Sometimes I had to temporarily hide the video and then conspire to get it back to the spot I stole it from before anyone noticed it had been moved. I’d also get really paranoid about whether I’d put it back in the same position or facing the same way. It caused a lot of anxiety…

Eventually, I got into FHM and all of the soft porn it produces. It wasn’t as graphic as the video, but it provided novelty. New ‘babes’ every month. Isla Fisher, Terri Hatcher, Louise Nurding, Gail Porter, Heather Graham, Charisma Carpenter. I almost feel like I’d be able to describe at least one image for each of those women – lingerie, poses, facial expressions – I’ve seen them too many times.

That kind of softcore diet kept me going until I had access to dial-up internet. I never had the courage to buy actual porn in magazine form – although I definitely count FHM as porn looking back on it – so the internet eventually allowed the cowardly pervert in me to search for whatever I wanted. Of course, dial-up was painfully slow, but something I was prepared to wait for. The novelty there was fascinating, but the speed kept me from experiencing much of it. Still, that was the first time I accidentally stumbled across some pretty dodgy stuff – kids and animals. I got freaked out when I saw that, because I thought I was downloading something else. I was downloading something with Kazaa or Limewire and a few files ended up being pretty bad. I was pretty freaked out and convinced the police would be knocking down my door within days. It never occurred to me to be freaked out that a kid had been exploited and abused to create the image. Thankfully, I am horrified by that now. I grew out of the selfish fear aspect at least. It was also the first time I saw gay porn. That wasn;t an accident. I was curious. I only remember one image, but I remember it pretty graphically. It still flashes into my mind occasionally.

So things continued like that for years until I got broadband. The rest is pretty predictable. I must have seen and downloaded terabytes of porn over the last 8 years or so. Literally every fantasy or desire I have had has been provided for by Google Images, YouTube, and the various YouTube porn clones (Xtube, etc). I think I’ll save the admissions of everything I have typed into Google for another post.

The point of this post is that masturbating to porn is a heavily ingrained habit. For about 20 years now, whenever I have been alone for an hour or more (or less!), I have turned to a stack or page of images and masturbated. Whenever I felt like it. Never denying myself the pleasure.

But I don’t want to do that any more.

The main reason I want to give up porn is that it has changed the way I view women. I do view women as sex objects. Even close female friends whom I respect by day have been objectified by me. It’s not a healthy way to relate to women. I know many Fapstronauts give NoFap a go because of erectile dysfunction, but that’s not me. My reason is because I have finally realised that I don’t want to be the kind of guy who thinks the things I think about women, or do the things I do while thinking about women. I love women. I think they are great. But I want that to mean more than hoping I can find a sexy picture of them (or someone who looks like them) so I can hide away privately wanking away.

Masturbation has become a less shameful activity and porn is mainstream now, but I know there are practices I have when it comes to masturbation that I would be mortified for people to know about me. And the reason for that is when I’m honest with myself, I know it’s not who I want to be.

Day 3

One of the reasons I decided to give up porn, or at least one of the things that taught me how bad porn was for me, was the Horror Porn dream.

I don’t think this is a well know thing. I had a dream about four months ago and upon waking, the only phrase I could think of to describe it was Horror Porn. The dream itself was pretty disturbing. A nightmare really, but it feels odd to admit that porn gave me nightmares as a grown man.

In the dream I was in my childhood bedroom. On top of the old television I used to have in there was a stack of magazines. I took a look at the covers of the magazines and it was clear that they were porn, so I thought about leafing through them. Then I did leaf through them – just like in my waking hours, I have no will power in my dreams.

The first image I saw (which I can still visualize quite graphically) was of a huge dick crawling with maggots / fleas. It’s hard to say…it was kind of like dust, but alive and really disgusting. I felt a tangible and visceral disgust in the dream.

The other image was of a naked woman, but she was old and wrinkled, and the wrinkles soon became more like melted wax. Only it wasn’t wax, but her skin that seemed to be melting off. Again, I felt pretty sickened by it. I feel pretty sick remembering it now, actually.

In the dream, I remember thinking to myself ‘Someone must have photoshopped these to be off-putting – that’s a pretty cool public service’, or something strange like that.

I woke up and couldn’t shake the Horror Porn images from my mind. They really disturbed me. I vowed immediately then that I would never look at porn again. I had successfully been free of porn for a couple of weeks at that point I think and it felt like my mind was trying to rebel against my new abstinence. I thought it would be dangerous to feed my mind with anymore porn images if they were going to lead to dreams like that. Later that day I saw a teenage girl, maybe 15 years old, who had really bad acne. As soon as I saw her, the image of the fleas and the wax from the Horror Porn flashed in my mind. It was so vivid, I got quite scared that I’d etched these images in my head long term and I’d see them at the slightest prompting.

Luckily, the flashes have subsided a great deal – that’s why I’m pretty comfortable describing it now. The downside is that, of course, I have looked at porn since. The fear I had wasn’t enough to keep me from relapsing.

I have never heard of anyone having a similar experience to this. I thought I would share, just in case someone comes across it one day and learns that they are not alone. And maybe they can let me know that I’m not, either.

Day 2

Day 2 isn’t over yet, but I think I can safely say I’ll make it. I was so angry at myself for the last two relapses that I think I can overcome any urges I might have today.

One thing I have done to try and overcome my porn addiction this time is to join the No Fap community on Reddit.

I have always had a problem because my struggle with pornography has been so private. I never had anyone to confide in or keep me accountable. I know one of the most important things to have when you are trying to overcome any addiction is a support network, but because I have always been so deeply ashamed of what I do when all when by myself, I have never reached out.

So I am hoping that telling a bunch of strangers on the internet what I have been up to and what I’m struggling with will be enough to help me to succeed.

It is possible that I am just kidding myself, but we will see.

Anyway, last night was particularly bad – obviously, since I relapsed. The thing that made it particularly bad was that I found myself seeking out a type of pornography that I am particularly ashamed to be drawn to. Fapping to hot actresses is one thing, and that’s how I basically got started all those years ago, but that’s not what I keep going back to. You will probably have heard people talk about how they had to start viewing harder or more deviant stuff to get off; well, that’s what happened to me.

It wasn’t even that I needed harder porn to get off – I was just curious. It started with knowing that Google images would show me thousands of images for whatever I could think up to type in. Once you resign yourself to being the kind of person that will look up those kinds of words…shit, I’m flooded with shame just thinking about it!

Another day I will post a list of the sorts of words I have been prone to Googling. I can’t bring myself to yet. Even though this blog has no readers. Even though I have gone to some lengths to remain anonymous. I can’t just ADMIT it. Not yet.

Another Day 1

Fuck.

This has happened before. Whenever the counter resets, you can be sure that the next day will reset harder.

So today there was no ‘actress I have a crush on’ fooling myself with Google image searches. I was straight on porn boards at the first opportunity.

When I reached Day 60 a couple of weeks back, I thought I was cured. I thought yesterday was just a blip. That even though I had reset to Day 1, in my mind I knew I could add 70 to that because it wasn’t that bad.

Today was that bad. I’m really back to Day 1.

Tomorrow will at least be Day 2.

Surely I’m not that much of a helpless pervert?

Surely?!

Day 1

Today I should be able to say that I have gone 71 days without viewing porn and masturbating. But I can’t.

Today is day 1.

Last night I finally gave in to the temptation, as I have done so many times before.

It happened because of the reasons it usually happens. I was at home on my own in the evening, reading various blogs, when I came across an article about an actress I have a bit of a crush on. I thought to myself, I’ll just quickly Google her…and then pretty soon I was switching off Safe search and looking for the most illicit picture of her I could find. I found a blog after a while on Google that had lots of images of celebrities and random models, and finally ended up masturbating to two images that had nothing to do with the actress. Instead, I found myself wanking to two voluptuous 20 year olds with doe eyes.

There are many reasons why I don’t want to masturbate at all, let alone while looking at porn. I know the broad consensus is that there is nothing wrong with porn, but as I will explain in future posts, it is definitely wrong for me…and I suspect if others were honest they would see it as wrong for them too.

I’m not a fan of shame and beating myself up for these failures, but I did fail last night. The point of this blog is primarily to give me something to do on the Internet whenever the beast stirs, but also to help me keep track of the days and most importantly to remind me that I’m in recovery.