Recovering Porn Guy

Month: October, 2012

Day 1 / Day 57

I’m slipping.

Last night I intentionally looked at porn. I have seen things I consider porn recently and decided not to reset either my pornfree or NoFap badges (badges available on subreddits to help keep track). But last night was different. I actually intentionally sought a particular type of porn and kept clicking around until I found what I was looking for (obviously, that didn’t take long).

So now my progress counters are split: back to day one for my actual porn recovery, and still going strong for not fapping as a result.

Two little images. Such a pathetic payoff for resetting my progress.

Day 56

Well, I made it through my struggles last night and feel better about today so far.

One thing that helped last night was my wife coming home much earlier than I expected. Not long ago, that would have been a reason for extreme panic – there I would be surfing porn, possibly in the middle of something a little unseemly, and I would hear a key in the front door…horror!

Now that I don’t actually do such things, hearing a key in the door is just a pleasant surprise – as it should be when your wife comes home early.

Day 55

Success Fatigue

I’ve been doing very well with my recovery for the past couple of weeks, but I feel like I have reached the peak of success and now maintaining it is becoming dreary and tiresome.

I find myself more and more tempted each day now to just take a peek at some porn. Actually, it’s not even porn I’m interested in. Really, I find myself wanting to sneakily view some Facebook profiles of my students again. I have allowed myself one or two fantasies about a particular student. It doesn’t help.

My brain starts to make funny rationalizations for seeking out porn when I get like this. Firstly, I catch myself thinking things like “Well, if I just take a look at some Facebook profiles, that’s not even real porn so it doesn’t count”. I then admit to myself that viewing Facebook profiles of 17 and 18 year old girls will inevitably lead to masturbating to them. Maybe not right now, but it would happen within a day or two at the most. That’s why I can’t allow myself to look at them at all.

So then I try a different tactic. I start thinking, “well, if I really want to avoid masturbating to pictures of my students, then I should just use some regular soft porn from a consenting model.” Of course, that leads to complete relapses in no time at all. Once I start looking at the equivalent of FHM pictures, I’ll be looking at much harder stuff within the hour. It doesn’t take long before I start looking up all of the stuff that in the cold light of day I am ashamed of.

I think I might write the list of search terms I never want people to know I have used tonight. I think that will be a good deterrent for me. But first I’ll head over to NoFap. If I’m still struggling later tonight, I’ll write more.

Day 45

I’ve been meaning to put this together for about a week now. I’ve been posting fairly frequently on r/NoFap to encourage people to make a list of their triggers and commit to certain actions to replace masturbation as the default response. I thought I should post my full list here as an example of what that might look like. If you struggle getting past the early days of recovery, then you might find this strategy helpful.

The process is simple:
When you are not feeling any urges at all, examine yourself carefully. Think about all of the times you are likely to relapse and what kind of thoughts and feelings usually go along with that. List these. They are your ‘Triggers’.

Once you have a comprehensive list of triggers, think about what an appropriate response to each one might be. For it to be appropriate it needs to be something realistic, a solid distraction, and easy to start immediately. These are your ‘Actions’.

You might find that you don’t come up with every trigger right away. If at a later date you find yourself feeling urges and it was triggered by something you hadn’t thought of, take the opportunity to immediately add it to your list of triggers and add an appropriate action, then do the action instead of relapsing.

So here is mine, I hope it can help some people:

Triggers and actions

See sexy women –

look away immediately. Repeat many times: “we take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). Start internal dialogue along the lines of why I don’t want to view women as sex objects. (See below)

Alone with Internet access –

If temptation comes, visit http://reddit.com/r/nofap and look at my badge. Then leave encouraging comments for other nofappers. Listen to a worship CD while doing this. If I’m still struggling, write a post for this blog outlining some aspect of why I do not want to relapse. This might include some semi-shameful anecdote to remind me of some of the pathetic mistakes I have made and do not wish to repeat.

Alone and horny, no net access –

Worship CD. Read my Bible and pray. Do some exercise (push ups, sit ups).

Depressed / upset –

If it’s daytime, go for a run. Worship CD, Bible, prayer. Visit NoFap for encouragement.

Sexually frustrated –

Remind myself that I am not entitled to free orgasms! Remind myself there are Nofappers doing it on ‘hard mode’ (no girlfriend/wife and no sex). Exercise. Think of ways to treat my wife and show her I love her. Recognise my own need to feel loved in non-sexual ways.

Facebook –

Police self very carefully. Whenever I’m tempted to view students’ profiles, I must disconnect immediately and visit NoFap. No excuses. Repeat 2 Cor 10:5 (Take captive every thought…)

Casually dressed students –

Take captive every thought…treat the same way as ‘view sexy women’ above (internal dialogue, etc). Police own behaviour over the following days. The chaser effect after this is always strong…

Semi-up skirt view of students in class –

If I can see up a student’s skirt, treat the same way as ‘view sexy women’, and MOVE so that I can’t keep seeing up skirt.

An example of the internal dialogue – why I don’t want to view women as purely sex objects:

“All women are equal with men and were also created in the image of God. They are my sisters in Christ. The world has constructed a false status for women whereby they are completely subservient to men. This has led to a culture in which the desire for male pleasure has surpassed the desire for female dignity. Men have subjugated women and tricked them into taking part in a porn culture. This thinking has also led to sexual slavery taking place in every country around the world and prostitution has become a common relief for poverty.

One day I may have daughters, and I do not want them to live in a world where this kind of thinking is prevalent. I don’t want her boyfriends and husband to view her in this way. If I have sons, I do not want them to be enslaved themselves in the kind of addiction I have developed.

If I continue to view women only as sex objects, I’m am continuing to feed this aspect in society. Instead of perving on women, I should speak up against the over sexualisation of culture and be an advocate for women’s rights and equality.”