Recovering Porn Guy

Tag: addiction

Day 21

I’ve noticed on reddit.com/r/NoFap today there are a lot of posts relating to Christianity. It’s probably worth mentioning at this juncture that I am a Christian.

I may not seem like one, based on some of the language I use and some of the things I have already admitted to, but I am. I am a baptized, Bible believing, Church attending, Jesus loving Christian.

I am also addicted to pornography, look upon most moderately attractive women with lust in my heart and have wasted hours upon hours of my life pathetically scouring the Internet for nubiles, redheads and lesbians.

So I understand why so many Christians are turning to r/NoFap.

Being a Christian who is addicted to porn is hard. I honestly don’t feel like I could talk to anybody I know about my problems because it’s such a taboo in Christian circles. My friends are all great, but the stigma attached to porn addiction is too great for me to overcome. Christians can be pretty insensitive when it comes to sexual sin, too. It’s like we all admit that none of us are perfect, but our biggest problem is that we gossip or sometimes walk past a homeless person without making eye-contact with them. Very few Christians actually say: “I’m not perfect; I’m a pervert!”

So I understand why so many of us are turning to r/NoFap.

The fapstronaut community is understanding, forgiving and supportive. There happen to be some great Christians on there coming out of the woodwork. There also happen to be some great atheists on there, and for the first time on the internet in my experience, both groups are incredibly respectful towards one another. It’s like the best thing porn has done is given 29,000 people with usually antagonistic views of each other a reason to come together and support one another.

So to all you Christians out there who are struggling, know that you are not alone. Come over to NoFap on Reddit and you will find support, understanding and hope. And to all you atheists who help to make NoFap such a great example of humanity coming together, thank you.

I believe God is at work in a big way on NoFap at the moment, and I’m sure the atheists are thinking “we should all give ourselves some credit for being good people” — I reckon we’ve both got a good point.

Day 18

To help me quit masturbating to porn I wanted to make a list of triggers for the things that are likely to make me relapse. I am hoping that by listing them as accurately as possible, it will help me recognize them for what they are (triggers) and not mistake them for what they aren’t (impossible to disobey commands). As these are my triggers, and I am a self confessed pervert, you may find these weird or disturbing. Just remember, these weren’t always my triggers – porn has done some strange things to my brain over the years, of which I do not approve…

Triggers

Loneliness, Isolation, Boredom
As it happens, I am alone and bored right now. I started this blog so that I would have something else to do whenever I felt the urge. Since I’m writing here now, you can guess that I came pretty close to relapsing. I nearly did relapse tonight, but I think I’m past it now. All the same, these three feelings always seem like the quickest way to ensure I relapse. I have some strategies to deal with this, but I’ll save those for another day.

Surprise Hot Women
I am constantly bombarded by Surprise Hot Women. By this I mean, hot women I didn’t intentionally seek out, but ones that I saw nonetheless. This happens all the time online, on TV (FUCK HBO – great television but way too much porn), even in advertising. I was stuck in traffic behind a bus the other day that had a lingerie model advertising something or other. An eight feet tall semi-nude, perfectly proportioned Surprise Hot Woman. These kinds of thing weaken my resolve daily.

Intentional Hot Women
These are a combination of the two triggers above. Take Dark Knight Rises, for example. I saw that a little while ago and was blown away by Anne Hathaway. An exemplary Surprise Hot Woman. Later that week I was home alone and bored, so I Googled Anne Hathaway. Also an exemplary Intentional Hot Woman. This was actually the reason I relapsed two weeks ago and decided to start this blog. As I explained in the first post, it wasn’t long before I was disabling safe search and then ignoring Anne Hathaway images all together in favor of some actual porn. It’s a slippery slope. I was tempted to do this tonight, as it happens.

Young Women
This is wear I start to get creepy. I am a teacher. I teach in a Co-ed highschool. I have a lot of contact with girls aged 16-18. I am attracted to some of them. I don’t believe anything will ever happen with them (because I would lose my job and I don’t actually want to be THAT guy), but I think about it regularly. This has led to me Googling some pretty dodgy shit for a highschool teacher. I keep telling myself that it’s not that big a deal, since I’m only interested in girls that would be completely legal if only I weren’t their teacher. If I was some average guy, it would be legal to do all sorts of things with these girls. I know, because I have Googled that shit too. The frustration of being in this position though has led me to seek out porn where the women look young. In another blog post, I will actually list all of the keywords I can think of that I’ve searched for – right now, I think I have said enough. So I’m pretty creepy, right?

Students dressed casually
Yes I have sought porn that has young women in school uniform. It’s all very cliched, if you know your uniform porn. Pigtails, tartan skirts, open blouses, ties, and sometimes lollipops. But a real world trigger for me is when my students are not required to wear uniform for the day. They make an effort to be attractive. They are trying to impress the boys in their year level and each other with their fashion sense. They are also inadvertently impressing me, their perverted and broken teacher. There are a few girls I actually look forward to seeing on these days. It’s quite gross really.

Facebook
Now you will hate me, because I’m even creepier than you thought. Some guys masturbate to pictures their friends have posted on Facebook. That hot friend you have…no one will ever know…it’s not harming anyone…I’m that guy too. One day it occurred to me to search for the Facebook accounts of some of my students. Some of them have very lax privacy settings. Some of them post reasonably hot pictures. I actually hate myself and am disgusted by it, but I have masturbated to pictures of my students that I intentionally sought on Facebook.

I wanted to write these because I often feel powerless in the face of these triggers. Like once I’ve seen them or experienced certain feelings, all bets are off and I better just tug one out to get over it. The truth is, these things will keep happening or showing up, so I have to get used to telling my body that I’m not going to do anything about it…

Wish me luck, and pray for me.

Day 7

Tonight is pretty tough. It’s not that I even really want to masturbate – I’m just used to the habit. It’s a hard habit to break.

I started masturbating when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I think. I was so young that my orgasms didn’t produce cum. I remember that cum was something that started to develop gradually – just a little bit at a time, until I produced adult quantities some time later. So even though I can;t say with certainty how old I was, I was pretty young.

It started with me just playing with myself – like all kids do, I guess. I remember a couple of things that got me gradually into porn, though. Firstly, I found a centerfold pull out of Pamela Anderson nude in the local park one time. I took it home and kept it in a drawer and would masturbate to it pretty frequently. A friend of mine also pointed out to me that the catalogues my mum received had underwear models in them. Nothing overly sexy – but to a little pervert trying to get of before the internet, it was a treasure trove. I can actually still picture two models in particular pretty clearly in my head. I am certain I would recognize them in a line up. For a long time these kinds of images fed into my masturbation fantasies. The other main source was hot women in computer game magazines. I was pretty keen on games consoles and bought all the tips and cheats magazines. It’s disturbing looking back now, because some of the images were clearly sexualised. I can remember one in particular of a woman dressed as a sexy doctor, with her shirt unbuttoned enough that a lot of cleavage was visible. For me at that time, this image was a huge turn on. She had on dark rimmed glasses, had the end of a pencil between her teeth and her hair tied back in a tight bun. What that had to do with computer games, I’ll never know, but it was clearly nurturing my sexuality at a young age.

The next progression came a few years later. I started to notice that a lot of entertainment magazines had sexy images. A key one in my development as a burgeoning pervert was the Sex Issue of Sky Magazine with Alicia Silverstone on the cover. I don’t remember any of the Sex Issue articles – but I remember those Silverstone images. Not long later I discovered Heat magazine, which back then had a more credible entertainment angle to it than its celeb focus it developed years later. In Heat I found all sorts of other images. Two I still remember vividly are Keeley Hawes as Diana Dors and Britney Spears in a childishly girly bedroom in underwear and a cardigan (From Rolling Stone, I think, but reprinted in Heat).

Around this time, I also found a single unlabeled VHS video in my parents’ room. I knew what it was as soon as I saw it. I’m not sure how I knew, but I did. I was alone in the house at the time, so I rushed downstairs to play it.

Grainy, flickering, moving porn.

This particular discovery adjusted my psychology regarding masturbation. Prior to it, I could do it quietly in my room with no one being any the wiser. But from then on I prefered to get the whole house to myself. It was nerve-wracking business. On more than one occasion, I had to quickly eject the video, pull my pants up and hide all masturbation paraphernalia when I heard someone at the door. Even if it was just the postman, I’d have a heart attack! There were plenty of near misses. Sometimes I had to temporarily hide the video and then conspire to get it back to the spot I stole it from before anyone noticed it had been moved. I’d also get really paranoid about whether I’d put it back in the same position or facing the same way. It caused a lot of anxiety…

Eventually, I got into FHM and all of the soft porn it produces. It wasn’t as graphic as the video, but it provided novelty. New ‘babes’ every month. Isla Fisher, Terri Hatcher, Louise Nurding, Gail Porter, Heather Graham, Charisma Carpenter. I almost feel like I’d be able to describe at least one image for each of those women – lingerie, poses, facial expressions – I’ve seen them too many times.

That kind of softcore diet kept me going until I had access to dial-up internet. I never had the courage to buy actual porn in magazine form – although I definitely count FHM as porn looking back on it – so the internet eventually allowed the cowardly pervert in me to search for whatever I wanted. Of course, dial-up was painfully slow, but something I was prepared to wait for. The novelty there was fascinating, but the speed kept me from experiencing much of it. Still, that was the first time I accidentally stumbled across some pretty dodgy stuff – kids and animals. I got freaked out when I saw that, because I thought I was downloading something else. I was downloading something with Kazaa or Limewire and a few files ended up being pretty bad. I was pretty freaked out and convinced the police would be knocking down my door within days. It never occurred to me to be freaked out that a kid had been exploited and abused to create the image. Thankfully, I am horrified by that now. I grew out of the selfish fear aspect at least. It was also the first time I saw gay porn. That wasn;t an accident. I was curious. I only remember one image, but I remember it pretty graphically. It still flashes into my mind occasionally.

So things continued like that for years until I got broadband. The rest is pretty predictable. I must have seen and downloaded terabytes of porn over the last 8 years or so. Literally every fantasy or desire I have had has been provided for by Google Images, YouTube, and the various YouTube porn clones (Xtube, etc). I think I’ll save the admissions of everything I have typed into Google for another post.

The point of this post is that masturbating to porn is a heavily ingrained habit. For about 20 years now, whenever I have been alone for an hour or more (or less!), I have turned to a stack or page of images and masturbated. Whenever I felt like it. Never denying myself the pleasure.

But I don’t want to do that any more.

The main reason I want to give up porn is that it has changed the way I view women. I do view women as sex objects. Even close female friends whom I respect by day have been objectified by me. It’s not a healthy way to relate to women. I know many Fapstronauts give NoFap a go because of erectile dysfunction, but that’s not me. My reason is because I have finally realised that I don’t want to be the kind of guy who thinks the things I think about women, or do the things I do while thinking about women. I love women. I think they are great. But I want that to mean more than hoping I can find a sexy picture of them (or someone who looks like them) so I can hide away privately wanking away.

Masturbation has become a less shameful activity and porn is mainstream now, but I know there are practices I have when it comes to masturbation that I would be mortified for people to know about me. And the reason for that is when I’m honest with myself, I know it’s not who I want to be.