Day 3

One of the reasons I decided to give up porn, or at least one of the things that taught me how bad porn was for me, was the Horror Porn dream.

I don’t think this is a well know thing. I had a dream about four months ago and upon waking, the only phrase I could think of to describe it was Horror Porn. The dream itself was pretty disturbing. A nightmare really, but it feels odd to admit that porn gave me nightmares as a grown man.

In the dream I was in my childhood bedroom. On top of the old television I used to have in there was a stack of magazines. I took a look at the covers of the magazines and it was clear that they were porn, so I thought about leafing through them. Then I did leaf through them – just like in my waking hours, I have no will power in my dreams.

The first image I saw (which I can still visualize quite graphically) was of a huge dick crawling with maggots / fleas. It’s hard to say…it was kind of like dust, but alive and really disgusting. I felt a tangible and visceral disgust in the dream.

The other image was of a naked woman, but she was old and wrinkled, and the wrinkles soon became more like melted wax. Only it wasn’t wax, but her skin that seemed to be melting off. Again, I felt pretty sickened by it. I feel pretty sick remembering it now, actually.

In the dream, I remember thinking to myself ‘Someone must have photoshopped these to be off-putting – that’s a pretty cool public service’, or something strange like that.

I woke up and couldn’t shake the Horror Porn images from my mind. They really disturbed me. I vowed immediately then that I would never look at porn again. I had successfully been free of porn for a couple of weeks at that point I think and it felt like my mind was trying to rebel against my new abstinence. I thought it would be dangerous to feed my mind with anymore porn images if they were going to lead to dreams like that. Later that day I saw a teenage girl, maybe 15 years old, who had really bad acne. As soon as I saw her, the image of the fleas and the wax from the Horror Porn flashed in my mind. It was so vivid, I got quite scared that I’d etched these images in my head long term and I’d see them at the slightest prompting.

Luckily, the flashes have subsided a great deal – that’s why I’m pretty comfortable describing it now. The downside is that, of course, I have looked at porn since. The fear I had wasn’t enough to keep me from relapsing.

I have never heard of anyone having a similar experience to this. I thought I would share, just in case someone comes across it one day and learns that they are not alone. And maybe they can let me know that I’m not, either.