Recovering Porn Guy

Tag: Facebook

Day 55

Success Fatigue

I’ve been doing very well with my recovery for the past couple of weeks, but I feel like I have reached the peak of success and now maintaining it is becoming dreary and tiresome.

I find myself more and more tempted each day now to just take a peek at some porn. Actually, it’s not even porn I’m interested in. Really, I find myself wanting to sneakily view some Facebook profiles of my students again. I have allowed myself one or two fantasies about a particular student. It doesn’t help.

My brain starts to make funny rationalizations for seeking out porn when I get like this. Firstly, I catch myself thinking things like “Well, if I just take a look at some Facebook profiles, that’s not even real porn so it doesn’t count”. I then admit to myself that viewing Facebook profiles of 17 and 18 year old girls will inevitably lead to masturbating to them. Maybe not right now, but it would happen within a day or two at the most. That’s why I can’t allow myself to look at them at all.

So then I try a different tactic. I start thinking, “well, if I really want to avoid masturbating to pictures of my students, then I should just use some regular soft porn from a consenting model.” Of course, that leads to complete relapses in no time at all. Once I start looking at the equivalent of FHM pictures, I’ll be looking at much harder stuff within the hour. It doesn’t take long before I start looking up all of the stuff that in the cold light of day I am ashamed of.

I think I might write the list of search terms I never want people to know I have used tonight. I think that will be a good deterrent for me. But first I’ll head over to NoFap. If I’m still struggling later tonight, I’ll write more.

Day 33

The last week has been surprisingly easy. I have had a couple of brief urges to look at porn or be the creepy Facebook stalker I can sometimes be, but since I wrote about my worst habits and triggers a while ago I have had a better handle on them.

My urges go away pretty easily.

Actually, having said that, I did go through a phase last weekend of allowing myself long lie ins in which I would fantasize about one of my students. Not the best way to overcome my problem. But to my credit, I didn’t look them up on Facebook like I would have before, or have to fap about it.

Still, it’s a good motivation for me to just get straight out of bed when I wake up so I am not tempted to tease myself in that way again.

Anyway, it’s been a good week, so I won’t get too bogged down in pity or shame. I’m feeling pretty good about my recovery at the moment.

Day 22

Today has been a struggle. The whole weekend has been, actually. I keep waking up in the mornings fantasizing about a particular student. The idea popped into my head a couple of days ago, and now she keeps flashing into my mind. 

The mornings have been the worst though. I let myself indulge in the fantasy even though I know it’s not doing me any favors.

This weekend is also a weekend in which my wife and I haven’t had sex, so all of the built up sexual energy I have from these fantasies are going nowhere. Pretty hard to stay strong, but I’m glad I haven’t succumbed to looking the girl up on Facebook since I’ve started thinking about her. That’s some small relief, I guess.

Just need to get through the night…not relapsing today…not going back to day one…