Recovering Porn Guy

Tag: fail

Day 1 / Day 57

I’m slipping.

Last night I intentionally looked at porn. I have seen things I consider porn recently and decided not to reset either my pornfree or NoFap badges (badges available on subreddits to help keep track). But last night was different. I actually intentionally sought a particular type of porn and kept clicking around until I found what I was looking for (obviously, that didn’t take long).

So now my progress counters are split: back to day one for my actual porn recovery, and still going strong for not fapping as a result.

Two little images. Such a pathetic payoff for resetting my progress.

Another Day 1

Fuck.

This has happened before. Whenever the counter resets, you can be sure that the next day will reset harder.

So today there was no ‘actress I have a crush on’ fooling myself with Google image searches. I was straight on porn boards at the first opportunity.

When I reached Day 60 a couple of weeks back, I thought I was cured. I thought yesterday was just a blip. That even though I had reset to Day 1, in my mind I knew I could add 70 to that because it wasn’t that bad.

Today was that bad. I’m really back to Day 1.

Tomorrow will at least be Day 2.

Surely I’m not that much of a helpless pervert?

Surely?!

Day 1

Today I should be able to say that I have gone 71 days without viewing porn and masturbating. But I can’t.

Today is day 1.

Last night I finally gave in to the temptation, as I have done so many times before.

It happened because of the reasons it usually happens. I was at home on my own in the evening, reading various blogs, when I came across an article about an actress I have a bit of a crush on. I thought to myself, I’ll just quickly Google her…and then pretty soon I was switching off Safe search and looking for the most illicit picture of her I could find. I found a blog after a while on Google that had lots of images of celebrities and random models, and finally ended up masturbating to two images that had nothing to do with the actress. Instead, I found myself wanking to two voluptuous 20 year olds with doe eyes.

There are many reasons why I don’t want to masturbate at all, let alone while looking at porn. I know the broad consensus is that there is nothing wrong with porn, but as I will explain in future posts, it is definitely wrong for me…and I suspect if others were honest they would see it as wrong for them too.

I’m not a fan of shame and beating myself up for these failures, but I did fail last night. The point of this blog is primarily to give me something to do on the Internet whenever the beast stirs, but also to help me keep track of the days and most importantly to remind me that I’m in recovery.