Day 2 isn’t over yet, but I think I can safely say I’ll make it. I was so angry at myself for the last two relapses that I think I can overcome any urges I might have today.
One thing I have done to try and overcome my porn addiction this time is to join the No Fap community on Reddit.
I have always had a problem because my struggle with pornography has been so private. I never had anyone to confide in or keep me accountable. I know one of the most important things to have when you are trying to overcome any addiction is a support network, but because I have always been so deeply ashamed of what I do when all when by myself, I have never reached out.
So I am hoping that telling a bunch of strangers on the internet what I have been up to and what I’m struggling with will be enough to help me to succeed.
It is possible that I am just kidding myself, but we will see.
Anyway, last night was particularly bad – obviously, since I relapsed. The thing that made it particularly bad was that I found myself seeking out a type of pornography that I am particularly ashamed to be drawn to. Fapping to hot actresses is one thing, and that’s how I basically got started all those years ago, but that’s not what I keep going back to. You will probably have heard people talk about how they had to start viewing harder or more deviant stuff to get off; well, that’s what happened to me.
It wasn’t even that I needed harder porn to get off – I was just curious. It started with knowing that Google images would show me thousands of images for whatever I could think up to type in. Once you resign yourself to being the kind of person that will look up those kinds of words…shit, I’m flooded with shame just thinking about it!
Another day I will post a list of the sorts of words I have been prone to Googling. I can’t bring myself to yet. Even though this blog has no readers. Even though I have gone to some lengths to remain anonymous. I can’t just ADMIT it. Not yet.